MEDIATION

Withdrawal of love and attention is a classic strategy to deal with our judgments of our partners, either physically, mentally or emotionally. We shut down our willingness to communicate and set about trying to "punish" the other for their behavior so they will see what harm they have done us. Then they will be contrite and ask for our forgiveness and our well-being will be quickly restored. Or not?

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The strategy to shut down will usually escalate the conflict from what might have started as something simple, to something that you both just wish would go away. And often-times there is a reluctance to be the first to break the "deadlock". No one wants to admit to being wrong. There is a fierce (and maybe covert or subtle) fight to see who can stand their ground the longest.

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Conflict can start with something simple like the dishes not being done according to expectations, but if the focus remains on the dishes as the issue, escalation is almost certain. If it's not dealt with quickly and appropriately, it can fester into a full-on conflict...leading to very unpleasant consequences. If you have regular conflict in your relationship, you have probably noticed that this is a common theme or thread in most of the conflicts.

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Feeling separate from your intimate partner can be very painful. And if you don't have a process for working through those painful feelings, it is easy to either turn those feelings of anger and resentment back against yourself or against someone or something else - a child, a work subordinate or the family dog.