We were lying in bed about to go to sleep and Alistair turns to me and says: I think we need a chat. In the course of our five years together I have hardly heard him say these words. Perhaps it is because we make a point of having a 'check-in' most days, where we share what is arising for us in our awareness. It only takes 5-10minutes, usually in the car on the way to work, and is a great way to stay connected, removing a lot of the guessing or concern that might otherwise brew. Needless to say he had my full and immediate attention. Alistair shared he felt we were not being honest with each other, wondering if there was something unspoken or unconscious that we were not looking at in our relationship.
Hmmmm.... I immediately felt myself become defensive and start to use humour to deflect the discomfort, and yet I knew he was right. We had slipped into a pattern of late where the humorous banter had a subtle undertone that was not as loving or open as we usually enjoy. So as we went to sleep we asked ourselves: why was that? What was it we had both unconsciously agreed to ignore that was now letting us know: hey this doesn't feel right!
The next morning I noticed my mind began spinning with thoughts of what 'being more conscious' in our relationship might look like. By mid morning I had wound my nervous system into a 'fight or flight' response worrying. Was Alistair meaning we had to be more serious and less fun, or not talk as much with more silence? Then, of course, the big gun arrived: does he want to separate because I am not being conscious enough in this relationship? Oh dear, how my mind does love a drama. I owned up pretty quickly to all this, sharing with Alistair I could see my mind was in a form of madness, indicating to me my ego was in full resistance. I knew then we were onto something.
We headed off for our Sunday walk to the Byron Lighthouse spending the next few hours in a conversation about what was arising for each of us around this insight. For me it was owning how I sometimes use humour to deflect taking responsibility or feeling into subtleties of discomfort. The owning it is not comfortable either, however, I have a highly sensitive radar for lying to myself, and as much as my ego will squirm and try to deflect my attention, I know that it doesn't serve me to look away. Owning it, welcoming it, allowing it, having compassion for whatever is arising in my awareness is one of the fastest ways I know to reestablish connection with my loving Self, and my partner.
The next day I asked Alistair if he felt there was anything more we need 'do' or 'discuss' on the matter. He rightly replied: it seems apparent that just naming it as an issue was helpful, as it allowed it to be flushed out, and even though there is no sort of clear outcome, it is just the naming of it that brings it to awareness to naturally support its release.
I immediately felt the Truth of this, and synchronistically found this pertinent quote on conscious relationship.
If you are able to open the channels of honest communication, then your blind spots may be revealed. You may shine a light on all these dark areas, for darkness flees in the face of light. Stay real with your partner, and you won’t lose the connection. You will have a beautiful relationship that is always growing in Truth and awareness. - Mooji
Melinda Blair Paterson
Conscious Directions offers support for couples that know they love each other but their intimate relationship is struggling.
Loving Together for Couples
A 6 hour intensive program on a Saturday or Sunday where together we dive into the heart of how you can create a more successful and intimate connection. This program is ideal for couples who know they love each other but feel stuck in a rut, are perhaps time-poor, and who recognise that some external support will help. More information
Couples 5 x 1 hour Online Sessions
Sometimes family or work commitments make it difficult to commit to a full day and that's where the beauty of modern technology makes it easy for us to connect via phone or Skype. We share 5 x 1 hour sessions, tailored to your needs at a time and pace that suits you. More information