I’m feeling totally blessed to be able to listen to my partner share what she believes to be the the most significant fear she has experienced in her relationships with men. She did that recently.
And it’s not what I imagined. I imagined it might be aggression or physical violence or abusive language.
What she told me was that, for her, her greatest fear is to not feel safe in sexual intimacy. She let me know that she needs to be able to say ‘no’ to my advances. She needs to be able to take her time and move in rhythm with her own body, she needs to be able to attend to her own needs…
have her man be OK with that! To not reject her or demand that she meet his needs!
We have been culturally conditioned to believe that the man’s supposed to always be up, be strong, be assertive, be leading, and that going hard is what a woman wants.
She told me that her sense of it is that women need to be able to lead sexually; to feel totally safe in sexual intimacy; to know that she can relax; to know she doesn’t have to perform, she doesn’t have to say ‘yes’. The experience of a lack of safety when she is feeling vulnerable in sexual intimacy is the scariest thing ever.
When she is feeling safe and relaxed, it allows her to open, to soften, to allow her heart to open ever deeper.
it’s important for her man to be fully present and strong with her – not physically but emotionally. Can he stand in who he is (in Presence) without wavering when she wobbles with vulnerability? Can he bring love, compassion, deep listening with support and touch to her?
And I feel as if I have been given the greatest jewel. I feel deeply touched that she shared with me so openly and vulnerably. And I celebrate my relationship with her. It is all I have ever wanted.
What do you think? Whether you are a man or a woman, what is the most significant fear that arises for you in intimate relationship?
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If you’re a man and would like to know more about how you can develop this art check out the Compassionate Man Project.